I have never told anyone this before, but I lead a double life. There is a fictional world inside my head, where I spend time with imaginary friends and where an idealized version of myself lives. It’s a way for me to escape reality and get through the most difficult challenges in my life.
When I was a toddler, my mom took me to see The Nutcracker and Swan Lake. She noticed how my eyes lit up when I saw the ballerinas, and the way I would sway and pirouette each time I listened to classical music. I was two years old when she took me to my first ballet class. I completely fell in love with the art form. What I enjoyed most about dance was performing for people. My soul is set aflame each time I step onto a stage. As I continued training hard and advancing, I started to experience constant pain in both hips. Once Covid-19 hit, we decided it was time to do something about it.
It was June 11, 2020 when I awoke in the hospital bed after a surgical procedure on my hip. It was inflamed and throbbing, and my throat was in pain due to the tube that was put there during the procedure, but I still wanted to continue reading aloud to my mom on the car ride home. I was reading Lord of the Rings to her, and I was at the part where Eowyn slays the Witch King on the battlefield. At the moment, it felt like I stepped off the battlefield myself.
After surgery, it was a complete break from all my activities. I’ve always had a love for pacing around the house and thinking to myself, so I was frustrated when I could only put weight on one leg. However, I was relieved that I had nothing to do and that my only job was to relax and heal. So, I spent all of that free time with my mom, specifically reading aloud to her.
I discovered my love for 19th century novels and poetry. I’ve always enjoyed reading, but this time I wanted to explore later than the 20th century. I read Pride and Prejudice for the first time, and I admired how Jane Austen would write her complex characters, the sarcastic way they spoke to each other, and how they each underwent their own personal growth. Dead Poets Society was the movie I watched daily, for I was captivated by the moving speeches that Robin Williams gave to the class. That film was what made me fall in love with poetry. My parents got me Walt Whitman’s poetry book, Leaves of Grass, for Christmas, and I immediately fell in love with the lyrical passages. I treasured that book and I took it with me wherever I went.
I drank tea out of ornately decorated teacups, and I lit candles in my room while I read to make it seem like I was in an old boarding school. I desperately wanted to forget my pain by living my life aesthetically and daydreaming the days away.
This was when I also started to discover my passion for composing. I started composing since the age of twelve, and the main reason why I started was because I wanted people to see me as another Mozart, who was known for composing at a young age. One memorable evening, I finished reading the last page of The Picture of Dorian Gray aloud to my mom, and the ending was so jarring to me that it sent a literal chill down my spine. In that moment, I needed to find some way to express the tragic beauty of that book. I found myself sitting at the piano, improving in a minor key, and I realized that I needed to compose. I continue to compose into the night, and I now have a finished piano solo dedicated to Oscar Wilde’s masterpiece, The Picture of Dorian Gray. To this day, literature is my main source of inspiration when it comes to writing music.
When I finally returned to dance, I felt much weaker than I was before, and I couldn’t help but feel frustrated. The need to escape into my fictional world was stronger than ever. I learned to use it to my advantage. I realized that daydreaming was what gave me the inspiration to dance, choreograph, and compose. I have the ability to imagine beautiful places and people, and I’m able to make it exist in this reality, by conveying it through my art. It took a lot of physical therapy, hard work, and willpower to gain all of my strength back. However, I do feel like I grew as an artist during my time off dance, for I was able to explore my creativity through other outlets.I am back onstage now, healthy and stronger than ever, and I owe it all to my determination and imagination.
Shoutouts
Class of 2023: Congratulations on almost getting through high school. I know you are all going to great things in college and beyond. I’m going to miss you guys.
Mr. Brammah: Thank you for being such a wonderful advisor. You have helped me in so many ways, and thank you for putting up with me in AP physics.
Profe Pfeiffer: I cannot thank you enough. I have learned so much from you, and you opened my eyes when I used to be close minded. You have helped me grow as a musician and composer.
Maison: I’m so glad I got to know you these past couple years. You are so kind and I love your music taste. I’m going to miss you
Naomi: Thank you for being my first friend at RHP. Thank you for being an amazing friend. Know that you’re going to go far.
Cait: I love being your advisory buddy and I enjoy talking about art with you. You make music class so fun. I’m going to miss you a lot.
Maria: We have made so many wonderful and chaotic memories together, and I will forever treasure them. I’m going to miss you so much.
Aunts and cousins: Thank you for your endless love and support. It means the world to me.
Braulio: You are the brother I never had. I will forever cherish the memories that we’ve made together.
I can’t wait until I get to see you again. Te quiero mucho.
Dad: I am so proud to call you my dad. Thank you for going to every single one of my ballet performances and piano recitals. I love going on road-trips with you, John Denver and Grateful Dead playing in the car as we drive up the winding mountain roads. I love you!
Mom: You are the most amazing mom I could ever ask for. Thank you for driving me all the way to Palos Verdes every day for ballet class and I appreciate all of the hard work you put in to the costumes for PSPA. I am going to miss watching Kdramas and Kpop music videos with you every weekend when I go off to college. Thank you for being my best friend. I love you