I am feeling intimidated by the blankness of this page. I am afraid that whatever may consume this ivory sheet of possibilities has the inevitability of disaster, all because of me. That may be the hardest thing about being a writer. You have the tendency to despise something you haven't even created, yet. That’s sort of my problem right now. I have been watching the clock behind me on the green wall next to the fire alarm that sits above the plant that probably hasn't been watered in weeks and I still don’t understand why I can’t focus. And I finished my coffee I got on the way to school in my best friend’s gray Subaru with the leather seats that burn your legs when it's too hot outside, but maybe caffeine isn’t going to give me the words I need. And the other day, I was trying to think of ideas while I was doing my math homework when watching Finding Nemo and eating dinner while drying my nails - the ones I had just painted every color of the rainbow - but nothing sparked in me. And last night I tried watching the Discovery Channel, you know, the one with the narrator whose hair is the exact same color as that one spot on my neighbor's 13-year-old blind dog's nose, just to see if the beauty of nature would inspire me, but it was just no use. Today, I asked a teacher for help. She told me to write some ideas out on the whiteboard, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that the orange marker I was using was the exact same color as the straw from the coffee I got this morning in my bestfriend’s gray Subaru with the hot leather seats. That’s when I started to give myself a break. I think I’ve always kind of been this way. When I was younger, I didn’t really understand the idea of being distracted. I just thought that the way my third-grade teacher wrote the number nine in our math equation was supposed to form a trail of thoughts that led to the Revolutionary War. That’s just the way all of our minds work, right? So I continued my elementary school years excelling internally but struggling externally. Over time, I had led myself to believe that I just wasn’t smart. But my falling behind had nothing to do with my intelligence, but rather with the way my brain works. As I proceeded in my academic years, I discovered ways to both work around my struggles, and use them to my advantage. For example: this speech. Throughout the years, I have learned to take this part of me and apply it to the things in my life I find most important. Whether it’s through music, writing, drawing, or whatever my brain can manage to make up, my differences are always there to help me excel in my creativity. Taking what I believed to be my weakness and turning it into my superpower will always be something I am proud of. Maybe forgetting to wash your hair in the shower because you’re performing a one-woman show in your head isn’t the best use of your time. Or maybe trying to learn how to say the alphabet backwards in the middle of a band performance isn’t the most convenient. Maybe I’m going plain crazy. Or maybe, I just have ADHD.
Shout outs:
Teachers:
Mr. Thomas - Thank you for being the best replacement advisor. Thanks for letting me crash in your room during lunch everyday. I enjoy our long talks about pop tarts and Trader Joe’s. Tell Maggie I say hi.
Mr. Quan - I know I can be quite the annoyance, but I truly think you're a great teacher and I have really enjoyed your class this year.
Profe Pfeiffer - I have learned so much in your class and am very grateful for all of your musical guidance. Theory Wednesday’s will always be my favorite.
Ms. Sosa - I know you only just became my learning specialist, but I really appreciate how much you look out for me. Your encouragement always gets me through the day and I really value your help.
Mr. Peterson - I’m the better Losson.
Ms. D - Thank you so much for coming today, we miss you much. You had the biggest impact on my highschool career and I always miss talking about Harry and Taylor with you in support block. See you at the forum one day.
Friends:
Nikki, Camryn - You guys kind of scare me but in a cool way. I’m so glad we became closer over these past two years. I love you both and I’ll miss you next year.
Olivia - My little manatee! You are a crazy girl. You kind of give me a headache sometimes, but in the best way. I love you so much and you always know how to brighten my day.
Soti - We had quite the highschool experience haven’t we. I really appreciate you I’ll miss annoying Mr. Thomas everyday during lunch.
Maria - You might be the most humbling person I know but in the best way. I always find myself laughing when I’m around you and I couldn’t ask for a better Fem Union partner.
Lauren, Amy, Haru, Sophie - You guys are just like my favorite people ever. Junior year was one of the best years of my life because of you guys. I miss our lunch convos at the table outside the photo room. You girls are a special group and I will always cherish our friendships. I love you guys so much.
Sydney - You are my best friend. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I have never met someone as smart and goofy and just peculiar of a person as you. Aside from the fact that I spend more time at your house than mine, and live in your clothes, and just kind of consider us to be like one singular person, you are also just my friend. And by being my friend you tolerate me, and the things I’m going through, and the way I’m acting, and you never give up on me. You impress me everyday and I am so proud of you for just being the best you you can be. I can’t wait to for Boston and our library, record store, open mike, gameboard cafe. I love you.
Family:
Alli - My sister, my best friend. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to survive the next four years without you by my side. I have never fought with someone yet had some of the best memories of my life with someone more than you. Just because I’ll be 3,000 miles away doesn’t mean you will ever stop being my sister. I love you so much, nerd.
Dad - I have never met someone more like me than you. You have taught me how to tie my shoes, drive a car, and how to do algebra, but you have also taught me some of the most valuable life lessons I have ever learned. You have done so much for me and our family and I hope you know that I truly see that. I feel so appreciative to have a dad that treats me not only like his daughter, but like a friend. I love you so, so much, and I’ll always be T.K. to you.
Mom - I have never looked up to someone more than I look up to you. I know these past few years haven’t been exactly a walk in the park, but watching how brave you are every day is what pushes me to be a better person. The amount of courage and strength you hold in your heart is the most beautiful and valuable thing anyone could ever wish to grow up with. I have never felt for comfortable or safe in a persons presence than I have in yours and I hope you can recognize how special that is. You will forever be the strongest light in my life and I love you more than you could ever imagine.
Myself - You are the one person I have been in a never ending battle with, but I just want to say you did it. You persevered when you thought you couldn’t, and now here you are, about to graduate highschool surrounded by people who love you. Good job.